


Your sickening desire

by pixiebow



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: M/M, i wrote this before the mess that was the paintball scene so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-06 04:02:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21220247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiebow/pseuds/pixiebow
Summary: In which Robbe can't seem to get a certain bleached blonde, David Bowie loving guy out of his mind and seeks solitude in the empty beachside, but gets more than he could have hoped for.





	Your sickening desire

**maandag** 01:42

> ** _now playing: bite by troye sivan_ **
> 
> _I can be the subject of your dreams_  
Your sickening desire  
Don't you wanna see a man up close  
A phoenix in the fire

It wasn’t as if Noor cuddling up to him, seeking out warmth, comfort, closeness, as he was supposed to provide her (he was her boyfriend after all) wasn’t enough to stop him from falling asleep every single night – but now there was a certain blonde haired, David Bowie singing, croque making guy who wouldn’t leave his mind. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to think of his girlfriend – for heaven’s sake.

But every little moment kept on replaying in his mind. His voice kept on playing like the sweetest melody he had ever heard. His warm, yet teasing smile and bright green eyes were the first thing he saw when he closed his eyes. Every time his mind went back to the few minutes they shared alone in the kitchen, his shoulder blades began to tingle where Sanders hands had grazed his back.

Robbe wanted to ram his head against a wall. Repeatedly.

It couldn’t be that he met a (very cute, admittedly) guy once and immediately became infatuated. This was ridiculous.

Shifting slightly under the weight of Noor’s arm wrapped around his upper body, her body heat burning through his skin like poison, he pressed his face into the hard pillow. He could still feel his stomach turning, his skin tingling and his mind singing. The few hours he had spent with Sander felt like mere minutes and endless days at the same time. It had felt exhilarating, like driving up to the highest point of a roller coaster and dropping down, feeling every weight leave your body, wind hitting your face and adrenaline pumping through every vein of your body. It had felt like stepping out into the first rays of sunshine after a deep, dark winter; finally feeling warmth dance across your face again, warming up every frozen cell. His mind continued to spin even after he had stepped off the shopping cart Sander had spun him around on; the endless melody of “Rebel, rebel” playing on loop.

Being with Sander had felt freeing. It had made him realize how long it had been since he had been truly carefree – not just smiling behind a façade of worry and sadness. It hadn’t been to stop Jens from worrying, to stop Noor from asking if everything was alright. The tingling sensation in his stomach hadn’t come from trying to suffocate his worry for his mother, the anger at his father or the dooming sense of being lost and belonging nowhere on this planet. It had been real.

Sander had looked at him with true interest, but no prying. His whole appearance exuded energy, confidence and joy. He lived freely and loud – took a stranger on a shopping trip, sung confidently to his favorite song in the middle of a crowded super market, danced like no one was watching and walked away from crashing a shopping cart into a stack of boxes like nothing had happened. His eyes sought out Robbes like it was his second nature, his smile soft and blinding at the same time, teasing him with every quirk of his lips.

It had made him think that maybe, just maybe, he would be allowed to live his life like that too – free and without the worry of what other people thought of him. Without having to hide behind badly built walls and forced smiles. That maybe someone was out there who he could feel safe with. Who could make him feel like he was home no matter where he was.

All of that had come crashing down the second Britt had entered the room.

Robbe was probably the last person allowed to be upset at the fact that a guy like Sander had a girlfriend. What right had he to be mad at him when he himself proclaimed to be in a relationship with Noor. Who liked him, a lot, and cared about him no matter how much he closed himself off.

He really shouldn’t feel upset, but yet here he was.

Seeing them at the beach, sitting next to each other, leaning into each other’s warmth and laughing at Moyo’s stupid shenanigans shoved him right back to where he had started at the beginning of their vacation. It reminded him once again that he wasn’t an important person in Sanders life, that he won’t constantly be on his mind (like Sander was on his) and that their small moments together would remain just that. Small moments.

Suddenly, he felt like he was suffocating, burning underneath the weight of his own depressing thoughts.

**maandag** 02:21

> ** _now playing_ ** _: starman by david bowie_
> 
> _There's a starman waiting in the sky  
He's told us not to blow it  
Cause he knows it's all worthwhile_

With one last glance thrown back at Noor to make sure that was still asleep, he closed the bedroom door behind him. His naked feet carry him across the hallway on autopilot until the slipped into his shoes at the door.

Cold, gentle wind hit him immediately when he stepped outside into the nighttime. He closed his eyes, letting the cool air graze his face, clear his mind and wake him up. His earphones laid left behind inside, the thoughts running through his mind too loud to be drowned out by music. There was something about the starry sky above him that was too peaceful to be disturbed by any type of music.

He half walked and half stumbled through the darkness of the beach, only guided by his phone flashlight and the soft light coming from the housing behind him. The darkness around him and the feeling of wanted isolation at the empty seaside, with waves crashing down onto the shore beside him every few seconds, helped to clear his mind, finally not running at fifty thoughts a second anymore.

His feet carried him until he found a spot that he deems suitable for starring gloomy out into the never resting ocean, sand cold and slightly wet underneath him. It feels humbling, tethering him safe to earth.

Closing his eyes, he let the cool air hit his face, breathing in the salty air.

He should visit his mother again soon. His last visit wasn’t that long ago, but her last messages sounded promising. She slowly began to sound like herself again. Robbe knew that it wasn’t her fault – she didn’t decide to stop being herself, to stop feeling like his mother, to stop loving him like she did before. He also knew that deep down, she still loved him as she had all these years, that her old, happy self was still hidden somewhere in the depths of her messy mind. Because he loved her – more than anyone else on this planet. She was his mother after all, had brought him up, gifted him everything he could have ever wanted. Had given him safety and a loving home. The last years had been cruel to her. Her own mind had been cruel to her. He knew that she would come back to him one day. He just couldn’t deal with the weight of seeing her so broken right now.

The clicking sound of a camera ripped him out of his deep thoughts.

His eyes shot open, searching for the source of the noise. It was just his luck to find Sander standing in front of him, lowering his camera. His bleached blonde hair stood out like a bright lightbulb in the darkness around them. Despite that, the soft smile is clear on his lips.

“Sorry, didn’t want to disturb you.”

Instead of replying, Robbe just stared up at him, letting his eyes wander over the corner of his lips (carrying the gently smile that made his insides heat up and nervous butterflies fly around), his bright eyes (which were mustering him intently), his windswept hair and back to the camera held between long fingers.

“Can you even see anything in that picture?”

Sanders smile turned into a crooked grin, and he dropped into the wet sand next to Robbe as if it was nothing. His body heat radiated from him as if he was the personification of the sun itself (which he might as well be, in Robbes eyes), sending shivers down his back. He leaned into him as his fingers fiddled with the buttons of his camera and suddenly Sander was everywhere again. His scent hit his nose; leather, paint and sea salt; his light hair tickling the side of his face, the leather of his jacket pressed against his arm, his left knee softly hitting his own right knee. Robbe blinked furiously, trying to get his mind to focus on anything but the guy sitting next to him.

“Let’s check.”

With a few more buttons pressed, he held the camera closer to him, the latest picture on the screen.

The light from the house behind him illuminates the background softly, showing only his silhouette on the otherwise dark beach. He looks small against the dark blue setting, yet also like the focal point. The picture looks exactly like he felt inside – lost in the dark, with brightness far behind, illuminating him like a halo. It has an unsettling beauty to it.

“It looks cool.”

Sander glanced up at him.

“You’re a good model.”

Heat shot through his body, warming up his face. He couldn’t help but look down onto the sand, hiding the smile that involuntarily appears on his lips. Biting down on his bottom lip, he chuckled softly. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Sander grinning brightly, shaking his head.

They settled into comfortable silence for a while after that. He alternated between starring at the sand without real intent and looking up at the water rolling onto the sand. Maybe he could allow himself to bask in this for a few hours more – just for one night. Just take in the serene peacefulness and comfort that fills his body around Sander. The easiness with which they enjoy the silence together, no one feeling the need to fill the air around them with mindless chatter. The charged energy between them, dancing around the cold air and hanging in between them like an unspoken secret. Maybe he could ignore that they both have girlfriends waiting inside for them for the rest of the night. Maybe.

“What brings you outside at two in the morning?”

He looked up, meeting Sanders gaze. It is curious, but not prying. Still, he felt nervous energy beginning to rustle inside his body. The urge to close up, shut himself off had become a second nature to him.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

Sander only rolled his eyes, grinning at him.

“Couldn’t sleep. Too many thoughts on my mind. Thought I’d get outside to breath some fresh air.”

He let his eyes wander back to the ocean as he replies, wistful look on his face. It felt like there was more behind his answer, a deeper reason to his sleepless night, but Robbe didn’t pry further. It didn’t feel like his place to ask – yet at least. Instead, he followed Sanders gaze, focusing back on the rushing waves.

“I can’t sleep either. Too much to think about.”

He could feel the other one’s eyes on him again, but kept his eyes on the horizon. There was a small moment of silence between them, unasked questions and unspoken replies lingering between them, before Sander spoke again. His voice was soft and quiet.

“Everything alright?”

His reply came automatic, like a reflex. “Yeah.”

He knew it was a lie, couldn’t control the programmed response anymore, after forcing himself to believe the same words over and over again. He uttered the same reply every time Jens asks him, whenever his mother asks him, whenever Zoe asks him. It has become a painful routine for him over the months and he couldn’t seem to break through it. Still, he didn’t hurry to correct himself. Sander seemed to understand him either way, as if reading his mind.

“I’m not forcing you to open up or spill your feelings right now, don’t worry. Just want you to know that if you want to talk or need help, I’m here, alright?” His eyes searched for Robbe’s to meet his, and when he did, he couldn’t look away anymore. Sander gently bumped his shoulder into his. “Or if you want to sing some more Bowie in the kitchen and not talk about anything at all.”

The quiet laugh left his body naturally, no forced nature to it, and he tucked his chin closer to his chest. “Alright.”

He could hear the grin in Sanders voice.

“Alright?”  
“Alright.”

Their eyes met again, bodies pressed close together side by side. Sander fell back into the sand, Robbe following suit as if glued tight to his body.

And with the stars above them and dancing in Sanders eyes, he finally feels calm.

> ** _now playing_ ** _: lights up by harry styles_
> 
> _Shine, I'm not ever going back_  
Shine, step into the light  
Shine, so bright sometimes  
Shine, I'm not ever (oh)
> 
> _What do you mean?_  
I'm sorry by the way  
Never going back now  
Be so sweet if things just stayed the same

**Author's Note:**

> hey! I hope that you enjoyed this little thing I wrote in the middle of the night.  
you can find me on tumblr @alterskann


End file.
